What does it mean to be memorialized as a salutary — not great , not terrible — man ? Andcan we let go of loved oneswhen they stay on-line ?
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My friend Curtis overdosed on heroin last August . It ’s more appropriate to call him my Facebook friend : Curtis was n’t even an acquaintance of mine , just someone I ’d function into at parties . I suppose I debate Curtis a waste : a inside kid , talented and funny , yet always altogether inebriated . And now , at historic period 23 , he ’s dead . I definitely did n’t consider Curtis a great man , but before studying his Facebook wall over the past few months , I did not view him full , either .
Curtis ’ brother apprise household and friends ( and me ) of his death by place a status update from Curtis ’ Facebook score on the good afternoon of the Clarence Shepard Day Jr. he decease . I found out through others that Curtis had essay to snap up short after getting out of detox , and was found dead in a parking lot , alone . I know little more about the circumstances behind his death , but I ’ve learned much about Curtis ’ lifespan from the activity on his Facebook visibility .
People still post on his Wall every sidereal day . Memories of burritos and “ epical nights ” are intermixed with promises to meet later on in heaven , and sorrow that he pass away so unseasoned . Some messages are from close friends and family ; others are from people who saw him around from time to time , like myself .
Curtis ’ mother uses his Facebook every day . She posts frequent position updates , which drift from lunch invitations ( “ Curtis would have wish that , he was all about intellectual nourishment ” ) to unsettled laments ( “ Please enjoin me this is all just a tough dream … I have a go at it you so ” ) .
“ When someone leaves us , ” blogged Max Kelly , Facebook ’s chief of security , “ they do n’t leave our memories or our social meshing . … We sympathize how hard it can be for citizenry to be reminded of those who are no longer with them , which is why it ’s important when someone passes away that their friends or family inter-group communication Facebook . ”
for officially memorialize a Facebook profile , one must first report the deceased ’s profile by filling out a anatomy that , among other details , require for test copy of destruction , such as a tidings article . Facebook will then provide the Wall open and untouched , but remove liaison info , make the visibility friends - only , and for good lock login access .
But I ’ve found that multitude do n’t often take to account a death . Either they ’re unaware that the commemoration process exists , or they choose to continue interacting with the deceased - and , through his page , others - as though he were still an active part of their virtual community .
While write this opus , I looked at Facebook bill of numerous departed I was n’t “ friends ” with , and I could almost always view their photos , status updates , and Wall office . On the Wall of a serviceman who may or may not have jump off a building , someone wrote , “ How uranium doing ? lose you much . Hope you were here with me on my graduation . Be in public security . ” ally of a man who died from a bike accident offer his sorrow - stricken girlfriend - still in a Facebook relationship with him - childcare helper via Wall post . The buddy of a Isle of Man who died from Crab changes his profile picture two or three clock time a day .
Often , position update posted before the account holder choke are visible still . Some are chill : “ EVERYTHING IS PEACEFUL IN THE GRAVEYARD . ” Others break my bosom : “ I ’m doing a wad better than I was a few hebdomad ago … I ’m easy get out of my heading and am able to deal with things on a deep level . It ’s go to take metre - but I am willing to expect . ”
Curtis ’ Facebook page still lists his favorite quote as “ Fuck a squawk . ” There are pic of him drinking and using drug . His status updates admit line of credit like “ cock in my rima oris , I suck them all day . ”
But the photo , videos , and give voice multitude regularly send on his Wall never terminate to move me , even when they ’re just about Sega telecasting game or mathematics year . I ’ve hear to songs Curtis spell and watched videos of him dancing at a music festival . One friend even commissioned a portrayal of him fiddle guitar .
“ It ’s gratifying to see such an immense amount of erotic love for a single individual on Facebook , ” Josh , one of Curtis ’ friend , assure me . “ It ’s a reassertion that this person was get it on by plenty of hoi polloi , and of what they bang about him . ” Even someone like me who scantily cognise Curtis can glean a open sense of his specific personality traits : he always lit up the room . He was always up for an adventure . He was a talented musician . mint of girls had crushes on him in the sixth grade .
Is it level-headed to virtually mourn a dead man by constantly edit and adding to the computer memory of him as if he were a Wikipedia page , or speaking right away to him via his Wall as if he were exit to appear on Facebook Chat later ?
It does n’t take an anthropologist to set that mourning rituals have always existed largely for the welfare of survivor . Anyone who has ever mind to a funeral eulogy from a church church bench , or inflict a Jewish kin pose shiva , knows how instrumental the chemical group moral force is to the healing mental process . If a Facebook memorial is nonadaptive , so is the way we ’ve collectively mourn since the beginning of time .
The act of speaking right away to the dead - on Facebook Walls , for instance - seems creepy , but it ’s nothing novel . Although it ’s nix in the Old Testament to talk to the asleep ( Deut . 18:11,12 , Ecclesiastes , 9:5 ) , negotiation between the living and the dead play a part in the mourning ritual of cultures on every continent .
Every year on the Day of the Dead , Mexicans gather around homemade altars and shrines to share anecdotes about and “ communicate ” with their deceased friends and family . Ghanaian mourner are notorious for holding protracted , passionate conversations with the dead at funeral . The Kotas of South India write and do resonant song about people who have fade away .
And then there ’s the hungriness to connect with the dead in the most fundamental and shivery form I came across : legend has it that after a Canary Island Guanche authorize away , the residential district would choose a young martyr to leap out into the ocean while clutching the dead man ’s organs along with subject matter for the deceased , so that he could wait on as a messenger between the life and the dead .
If only it were so easy .
My admirer Phoebe has had more than a few Facebook protagonist pass away . She tell me that she witness it comforting to chit-chat her Friend ’ wall , but that Facebook memorials miss law of closure . “ When you lose a loved one , you go through a natural mourning process , and part of that process is being capable to let go , to draw a blank , ” she explained . “ Facebook get rid of that stride , maintain that individual and those feelings easily accessible , which I think ultimately intervene with the healing cognitive process . ”
Many of us live a good portion of our lives online . At the endangerment of sounding excessively morbid , it ’s only a matter of time before we die there , too . Can we find a fashion to reach settlement via the Facebook memorial ?
I think so . A few day ago , a new update from Curtis ’s Facebook popped up on my Minifeed , in between pumpkin - carving - party photograph and link to true cat memes . “ I wonder what Curtis is think . I wish I could tell you , ” it said .
At first , I flinch when I read it , thinking of the pain Curtis ’s mother must be go through and wondering if it would n’t be good for her to lie off his page for a while . But the next day I saw that 11 people had “ liked ” the update . One friend joked , “ He would say , ‘ Del Taco ASAP ! ' ” And with that pithy line , even I feel a piddling comforted .
The rationality we mourn together is because there is no way to know what the dead are thinking , or if they are reckon anything at all . Facebook memorials enable us to imagine what he would think or say or do , together . They allow us to remember what he did call back and say and do during his living , both for better and for worse - which I think is more meaningful and ultimately rewarding than any concrete retentivity , saintly or sinful . When your personal mourning period is over , you only have to “ defriend ” with the single click of a button to pull up stakes the wake .
Republished with permit fromthe Good Men Project , where this essay originally appear . Katie Baker is a author experience in San Francisco . you may learn more about her on herwebsite .
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